It's official, One year cancer free.  The last year has had its challenges and lots of things have happened.  I want to post a poem I wrote that tells how I feel about life now.

I Survive

by Mickey Willard

I am here.

I survive.

I want to LIVE life.

I will not dwell in the past.

I look forward to every new day.

Each experience has become fresh.

Each touch, sweeter.

Each moment I am alive, a blessing.

I acknowledge my mortality,

I do not wallow in it.

I rejoice in my family.

Their love, my strength.

I delight in my friends.

Their support, my foundation.

I am grateful to my God.

His blessing, my life.

I am so grateful this site was here to let me vent all of my frustrations on.  A wonderful outlet for raw emotions.  I have never been much of a journal keeper, but this really helped me through a really rough time in my life.

A Whole Bunch of Catch-up

So I had surgery on May 16th.  All the pathologies came back clean, no cancer in the lymph or any of the other tissue they removed.  I have healed up amazingly well.   I got set up and started radiation therapy on June 25th.  Did you know they give you pinpoint tattoos to help guide radiation.  As of today I am half-way through treatment and am doing really well.  I will be all done with treatment on August 2nd.

Getting Anxious

There is less than two weeks until surgery.  I'm looking forward to it being over with but anxious about the surgery itself.

It's been two weeks since my last chemotherapy.  I still feel tired and nauseous at times, bu overall am doing very well.  After my big meltdown over the fingernails and toenails I still haven't actually lost any of them.  This is a wonderful thing!  There are some issues with sensitivity, lifting and sometimes they are painful but it's great to still have them.

I am still working at my job.  I have decided to give myself a few days off before surgery and my chemo doctor gave me a doctors note saying as much.  So after the 11th I will have four days to relax, rest up and try to prepare myself for surgery.  This could be good or bad.  I have actually had a few panic attacks thinking about surgery,  then I take a deep breath and go  back to living my life.

I am really glad that Kira is doing really well.  She knows what's going on and is good about helping.  She has even tucked me into bed.  She tells me she wants to be a nurse someday  and is getting some practice in. Our little dog takes care of me too.  I spend most mornings in bed, for some reason I feel better in the evenings, and Iris stays glued to my side.  She follows me faithfully around the house and sleeps at my feet on the bed.

We Had A Party!

On my last post I updated you all on the technical side.  I forgot to mention my wonderful friends who made my last 2 Chemo treatments into parties. 

On the 12th I was lucky enough to have 2 friends come to visit while I was in Chemo.  Leonara and Renee sat and visited with me for more than 3 hours on that day.  We had a really good visit and I was able to catch up with two of my good friends.

On the 19th, my last day of chemo, I had 4 friends visiting!  It was a nostalgic blast back to the good old days of playgroup.  I always said playgroup was more for me than for Kira!   I have to thank Laurie, Karen, Megan and Jane for making this day wonderful!  We had treats to share and were able to catch up with friends we haven't seen for months.  To top it off Jane sent a wonderful meal for the family home with me. 

I so am blessed to have so many wonderful friends!  Thank you all!

All Done With Chemo!

So, time for another update.  As of last Thursday,  Chemotherapy is done!  Twenty weeks!  My fingernails and toenails are still hanging on.  A little lifting, but I still have them! 
 Surgery is coming up on May 16th at 1:30 PM and I am getting both nervous and excited.  It's surgery!  The only other surgery I've had is the surgical biopsy an the install of the power port for chemo.  The doctors will check the sentinel nodes (lymph nodes) to see if the chemo cleared out the cancer, finish the lumpectomy by getting some margins and take out the power port.  When she is done the plastic surgeons will go to work. One on each side.   They are giving me a reduction and lift.  Hopefully this will help with some of the neck and back problems.
Once I heal up from surgery I will have to get radiation.  More on that later...
Things are going well and I feel very positive.

Enough is Enough!

So with everything that is happening I have hung in there and endured, today I had a bad day!  I have lost my hair with a smile.  I look forward to  surgery in 8 weeks and accept that my nipples may die when they move them.  I have 4 more weeks of Chemotherapy and what made me cry today is that I am starting to lose my fingernails and toenails.  Stupid huh?
The toenails are no big deal.  But I am still working retail and the thought of working with no fingernails is just too much for me.  Arrgghh!  I am still crying over fingernails and I haven't even lost them yet. They are starting to lift and I just can't deal with it.  I feel so stupid!  As Mike just pointed out I haven't lost them yet! Why am I crying?  I think it's just the thought, or I just need an excuse to cry.  Probably the latter. 

My feet have been numb for 4 weeks.  the doctor dialed back the Chemo by 10% and I am getting feeling back in my feet. 

I had the consult with Surgerical Oncology and Plastic Surgeon.  I actually am really excited that the surgeons say no mastectomy.  Lumpectomy with a reduction and lift. So new perky boobies!  I think the reason the nipple thing isn't that big a deal is I have been prepared to lose them since the beginning. 

Putting my thoughts into words seems to help me work things through.  Good Venting!

Bandaids, Bubble Gum and Bailing Wire!

On Friday night I told Mike I felt like I was beiong held together with bandaids, bubblegum and bailing wire.  Friday night on my way to bed I shut off the light and realized I'd missed one.  I stepped down the one step I thought I was up on the stairs and hit the floor hard.... I was actually 2 steps up and I sprained my ankle.  No shooting pains, no broken bones right?
Going to bed wearing my customary night guard for TMJ, CPAP for sleep apnea, night cap to keep my bald head from getting too cold as well as ice packs on my propped up ankle, I felt like Frankensteins Monster.  Mike has been a trooper getting me through all of the emotional upheavals lately.
So after working for a few days I finally realized that with my compromised immune system and slower healing I should probably go have the ankle checked.  With all the pain medicine and such I am taking the injury could have been masked...  I went to the doctors yesterday.  He checked it out and said I needed a good brace for my ankle, but as a precaution let's get an x-ray.
This morning I got a call saying I have a broken toe.  No big deal they tape those together right?
Wrong!  It's the fifth meta-tarsal inside my foot, it looks like a crush injury instead of a simple fracture and I am not allowed to put any weight on it for a month.  This means I have to call in to work and possibly go on disability 3 months earlier than expected!  Can you say AAARRRGGGHHH!!!
Enough Venting! Plus side at least 5 days off until  I see the orthopedic surgeon for a second opinion on Monday morning.